Today’s Quotes: Resume Blunders

Snippets from resumes and employment applications from various sources.

“I have learned about life’s hard lessons from watching reality TV.”

“Once I had my stratergy planned, I left the details to my suborednates.”

“My mother told me you would hire me. Don’t make my mother a liar!”

“If I have a failure, it is that I am too generous, too kind and too humble and all of the people who have ever worked for me constantly reminded me of that.”

“I am fluid in other languages like Spanish, French and Ebonics.”

“You may say he has no experience, but my experience is beyond this world, my friend.”

“I am a born leader. Growing up, I often handled family strife better than my parents and they would consult me for advice.”

“If 2-and-2 equals 4, I will be your 5!”

“All maintenance accounting procedures and housekeeping spreadsheets flowed through me and I was tasked by upper management with the all-important job of providing beverages and pastries at high-level company meetings.”

“Salary requirements: I’m worth more than you can afford, but I’ll settle for $45K per year.”

“As a trusted corporate officer for a small firm that dispensed hot dogs from a truck at the beach one summer, even at the age of 18 executive decision-making came as second nature to me. For example, I would have to responsibly decide on my own at the point of purchase how many pickles and what portion of condiments each sandwich should contain to maintain our profit-loss ratio advantage.”

“I was to the CEO what Robin is to Batman.”

“I received many nice condiments from co-workers on my performance as a waitress.”

“As leader of the team appointed to redo the lunchroom, my middle name was ‘balls’.”

“The three words that best describe me are self-motivated, go-getter, can-do and precise.”

“I will bring to your company the competence and leadership I brought to ___________ before they went out of business!”

“Among my executive duties were making coffee in the morning, procuring donuts, making sure the time on the clock was correct, changing calendar pages, wiping up crumbs in the coffee room and changing paper towels/toilet paper in the bathroom when needed. I managed to do all of that and still have time for the daily crossword puzzle in the newspaper.”

“I am truly a ‘people person’! Show me a group of people and I know just what to do with them!”

“In my career as a real estate agent, I did not sell a house or property, but I was congratulated on my enthusiasm for sales.”

“I can be either masculine or feminine; I can rip you a new one or I can gently stroke you. I’ll do what is appropriate for the job.”

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